Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
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Me: you seem disappointed
Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine
It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?
i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
Just call and I’ll be there.
*Turns phone off*
I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
Whenever I see the words “horse-drawn carriage” I wonder if the horse’s artistic output was limited to means of transportation, or he also did cartoons.
Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…
Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.
I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?
When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.
Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.
so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
*gf breaks up w/ me*
me: [running on platform alongside train as she rides away]
IS IT BECAUSE I SAY EX-SQUEEZE-ME INSTEAD OF EXCUSE ME?
“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?
me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot
date: what kind of books?
me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones
[Playing House]
Child: You can be the kid and I’ll be Dad.
Me: Bills are due, dinner needs cooked, and your boss needs that presentation done by tomorrow.
Child: …
Me: What?
Child: That doesn’t sound very fun.
Me: Can’t hear you; busy playing Minecraft.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch
Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
Cop: You’re driving on the wrong side of the road.
Driver: Sorry, I’m English.
Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?
(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*