I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say
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*buys almond milk*
“I’m gonna get healthy!”
*drinks almond milk*
“This is gross.”
*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*
“Perfect.”
[Oreo meeting]
What about ‘sextuple stuffed’
“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”
[later googling Sextuple]
“Omg that’s genius”
I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.
Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.
Came out pretty well.
it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
Do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
Biker gang: Well, well, well. Would you look at this fancy boy.
Me: Don’t push me.
Biker gang: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?
Me: *removes bonnet* I said, don’t push me.
Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.
I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
Size matters
– me, when alcohol is being poured
I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
It’s okay, everyone. I know my 3yo’s screams sound like his leg was run over by a lawn mower, but he’s just got some fuzz stuck to his thumb
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does
Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.
[8 hours later]
Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.
My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when