Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
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It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
I have no idea what she’s talking about.
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get
ME: we’re leaving in 15 minutes
KID1: im ready
KID2: readyME: ok time to go
KID1: i don’t have any socks
KID2: i fell in the toilet
I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.
My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.
a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again
Waitress: Would you like an omelet?
Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*
You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.
[1st date]
Her: So, were you born here?
Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
Installing a new drainage system, so right now there’s an open trench surrounding our house.
But I am absolutely no longer allowed to call it a moat and my order for crocodiles to fill it has been cancelled.
For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.
that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total
Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.
‘To do’ list:
1. grocery shopping
2. pay the rent
3. post grandma’s birthday card
4. try not to kill anyone with my death stare
5. laundry
The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”
Ah to hear the music of the angles!
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂
in case you were wondering how things are going these days for the generation that attended kindergarten exclusively via zoom…
our 6yo has started surreptitiously playing wordle on his school-issued chromebook while in class and skyping us his score
When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.
I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?