Installing a new drainage system, so right now there’s an open trench surrounding our house.
But I am absolutely no longer allowed to call it a moat and my order for crocodiles to fill it has been cancelled.
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Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.
government: let’s reopen stuff.
public: ummmm…
guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…
Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan
I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning
Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.
me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so
They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.
*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.
[AGM of potato mashers]
“Tremendous effort this year, guys. Our overall ‘drawer opening smoothly’ prevention rate was 73%. That’s up 11% on last year, thanks to you big stainless steel bastards, but we can’t be complacent while the scourge of people who hang us on hooks remains”
My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.
a good captain goes down with the ship, i personally don’t need a professional obligation to sink to the bottom of the ocean, i just do it
Doing taxes in the 90s:
Clippy pops up
“I see you’re trying to scam the tax system. Would you like help?”
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.
8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.
Me: It looks the same as before.
8: I added more snacks.
Finally, some meaningful renovations.
Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.
I just released my own fragrance.
Now everyone in the car is pissed off.
I picked my nephew up from school & I asked him “how was school?” This boy gonna say “Why you ask me that everytime you see me, you never went to school?”
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
Instead of asking my kid if she’s brushed her hair, I ask if she’s cured cancer. I figure if I’m gonna be disappointed by the answer it might as well be about something really big