Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
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Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?
Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?
Let’s see her walk backward.
Now diagonally.
Cha-cha real smooth.
*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *
Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?
The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help
My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home
OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
On this edition of House Hunters: He rides the back of trash truck, she’s a nail tech. Their budget is $15M.
Let’s see what they can do!
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
Me: Uh oh there’s my ex girlfriend. Quick, will you hold my hand so I can make her jealous?
Great grandma: No.
I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…
FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.
Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
Today’s religious debate is brought to you by…
Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.
[tarot card reading]
*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICECustomer: …is that a regular deck of cards?
*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*
i lost 4 lbs, nice
*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*
the punishment does not fit the crime
Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”
You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.
Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.
YOGA CLASS
INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog
*loud thud
GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.
date: i had fun tonight
me: me too
me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face*
me: that’s how slugs kiss
Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities
Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?