Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
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If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.
Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”
my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope
My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.
Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]
I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
Cop: Stand on one leg
Me: *does it*
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards
Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba
Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything
Me: *starts sweating*
*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
They did not miss in the small print
[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles
A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:
Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.
me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning
friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out
me: old?
[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?
Mathematics was simple until they added English to it
*turns on alarm*
Alarm: I have a headache
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
Why do some people call it a “tuna-fish” sandwich? It’s not like anyone calls it a “chicken-bird” sandwich.
BIDEN: That went well.
OBAMA: Did you have to say you loved Trump’s sons in Twilight?
BIDEN: It’s what I do.
I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.
That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family
I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.
I’m white, but…
Nope. Can’t do one of those today.
Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.
I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.
“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba