[1st date]
Her: So, were you born here?
Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.
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My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you
You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?
I’m not a narc, but I did see my neighbors cat on a random porch 2 blocks away, took a picture, and shouted IM TELLING YOUR DAD
Cake safety first. Always.
[Casio headquarters, 1975]
CEO: We need to make our calculators more versatile. Give me your ideas.
First executive: Maybe they could also be phones?
Second executive, a smoker who often oversleeps: I have a better idea.
Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.
me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda
[therapy]
me: I’m really trying to change
therapist: that’s great
me: I want to be become a different person
therapist: how
me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis
therapist: no
Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.
[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
i don’t want to know what five dentists think about a certain toothpaste, i want to know what they think about EVERYTHING. four out of five dentists recommend kierkegaard
Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.
We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
My husband pissed me off today so I told him that I can’t wait to see what he had planned for our special day tomorrow
There is nothing special about tomorrow
But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it ’cause I made it up.
zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Them: You’ll sleep when you’re dead.
Me: I’ll go ahead and take an advance, if it’s all the same.
I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
[speed dating]
Me: Periods.
Her: Huh?
Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside?
Her: In the US or the UK?
Me: Let’s get married.
Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.
[Movie theater]
*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*
I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?