Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
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Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.
Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400
ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.
me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs
boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful
[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit
Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
grotesque if literal: baby food
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?
WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer
ME: Eels
I only sleep with people who make me laugh.
Luckily, I find myself hilarious.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
My 3yo asked what my favourite animal is and when I said penguin she yelled ‘NO IT ISNT’ and then she yelled at me until I agreed that my favourite animal was a bat and I don’t like bats. Or 3 year olds.
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
[road trip]
Me: one more word out of you and I’ll turn this car right around!
Kid: but
Me: that’s it, BACK TO DISNEYLAND
LA today:
I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional networkLinkedIn Park
I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”
Omg you guys I got a Christmas bonus! JK it was a video message from the CEO in which he struggled to read the cue cards.
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?
Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.
After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
[harry potter at work]
Coworker: you can see those crazy winged horses huh
Harry: a thestral, yes
Coworker: cause you saw whosamort kill your classmate
Harry: his name was cedric & it was a very dark point in my life
Coworker: so speaking of dark the copier needs more toner
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.