Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
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‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
i’m still crying at this
People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how
If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.
Him: Do you have any food in your purse?
Me: I call it my Snack pocket. My snocket.
Him: Not all words need to be-
Me: ALL OPTIONS SHOULD BE EXPLORED DO YOU WANT THIS Ziplock OF WARM BABY CARROTS OR NOT?
ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please
Cashier: the receipt is in the bag
Me: you too
My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.
Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
Her: You sound hoarse. What’s wrong?
*flashback to me screaming Taylor Swift songs in my car on the way home*
Me: Dunno. Probably a cold.
Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.
my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep
No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
🙂🐾
Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket
It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably
Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.
The ghost of the little girl who haunts my house was scary at first, but now she mainly just practises her french braids on us while we sleep. I don’t mind. I’m starting to get compliments from my coworkers. The dog has never looked more glam