so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane
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WIFE: [walks in on me trying on Victoria’s Secret] OMG
ME: It’s not what you think! [shows receipt] They were on sale
WIFE: Oh thank God
If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t
I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*
I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.
[at work]
Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom?
*standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards*
“No…why do you ask?”
[job interview]
Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.
Untitled Goose Monstress
Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa
My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.
Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
.
.
.
Biden: Okay.
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
HIM: you promise you’re not an octopus?
ME: of course not silly
HIM: good. come in & meet my family
ME: *hugs all 4 of them at once*
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!
I should’ve peed first
– my headstone
[chess tournament]
RIVAL: [plays move]
ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess!
COMMENTATOR: He’s won every round this way
[David Attenborough narrating my life]
Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall
Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”
GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT
Husband: What should we do today?
Me: It’s up to you.
Husband: Beach?
Me: No.
Husband: Movie?
Me: No.
Husband: Museum?
Me: No.
Husband: Then what do you want to do?
Me: I don’t care. You choose.
Greek yogurt should have Greek names.
“What flavor you got?”
“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”
My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead