Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
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ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.
refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES
Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
Leia: You owe child support.
Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.
Leia: You’re standing right here
Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*
Doctor: Do you have any allergies?
Me: Cats.
Doc: I meant allergies to medications.
Me: Do they make medications from cats?
Doc: No.
Me: Then no.
*teacher sees students sharing a note*
Teacher: why don’t you read that out loud
Student: [reading note] Dear teacher, this is an intervention. Your methods of discipline via public humiliation are uninspired carbon copies of Hollywood tropes. We wrote this letter as a class…
Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.
I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.
Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.
Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
My 7yo twins informed me when they grow up they aren’t going to have kids, they want to travel the country in a motor home and take homeless children off the sidewalk.
I guess it’s time for the ol “kidnapping is frowned upon” talk.
CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice
My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king
I’m so broke identity thieves sent a fruit basket with a note.
“Sorry about the ID theft. Please tell your creditors to stop calling us.”
Me (as bridesmaid):
*up at alter holding bouquet*
WAIT! STOP THE WEDDING!Priest: *stops talking*
Me: *runs down aisle and out of the church to catch ice cream truck*
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
Fancy restaurants are self-esteem destroyers because good luck not leaving an embarrassing stain on the white table cloth. Ever.
Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.