“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
You Might Also Like
“do you know why I pulled one over on you?”
becau- wait what?
“I’m not a real cop lol”
haha nice!
*pulls gun* “I am taking your car though”
next time ur embarrassed about something u did in the past just know that everyone remembers and still thinks about it too. in fact we were just talking about it the other night
THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat-It’s raining men.
*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview
“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE
DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?
DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Date: Do you go camping?
Me: Our ancestors evolved in order to give us pillow-top mattresses and flushing toilets. Why would I sleep outside?
Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..
No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.
I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target
women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey
FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
ME: Yup.
FRIEND: Really? By who?
WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG.
ME: The ghost of my mother.
I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.
[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.
Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”
Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?
1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
…
…
…
…
…
…
2015: Taco Emoji!
wife: Feeling better?
me: Yeah
wife: Kind of overreacted to a cold didn’t you?
[flashback to me calling the Make-A-Wish Foundation]
me: No
My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”
– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.
– Did we have snakes?
– Oh yes, thousands of em.
– I’ve never seen any sn…
– THOUSANDS!
WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?
What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?