I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.
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Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand
She’ll love it
Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*
Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.
Me: I think that’s Dave
Wife: It’s not Dave
Me: Gonna wave to him
Wife: Don’t!
Me: Hey Dave!
Auctioneer: New bidder at $80,000
Me: It’s not Dave
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.
[loses house key, starts a new life]
[Cat birthday party]
*Cat opens gift from her husband*
“It’s…an empty box.”
*silence*
“Oh honey, I love it!”
If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.
“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”
* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing
My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”
the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.
Me *googling* are people who steal ducks called abducktors or kidquackers?
FBI agent monitoring me: *reaching for whiskey* Jesus Christ
You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!
Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.
Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.
The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is
Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.
If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
My 4yo just realized he could raise both his eyebrows at the same time
He now does it every time he makes eye contact with me and it looks like we are in cahoots orchestrating the most diabolical plan ever
i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.
Primenesia?
Y’all know who you are.
If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”