I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.
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The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”
I worked at Subway many years ago and one night a lady brought in her own cheese for me to use on her sub
I don’t work for the health department so I did it anyway
He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
3yo: *sneezes*
I was watching a show for about 10 minutes, and this lady was listing all of these great things to do for fun. Then I realized that it’s one of the religious channels, and she was reading a list of sins
doctor: do you have 3 regular meals or 5 small meals a day?
me: I eat every 30 minutes to ensure nobody can ever make me swim
Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer
I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.
He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
UK rappers be like “I’ve got a posh flat and my bird is very comely, I own more motors than the marchioness of cholmondeley”
I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans
*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories
Husband: Do you like it hard or soft?
Wife: You know I like it hard-parents passing taco shells on a wild Tuesday night
Time for bed!
*puts phone down*Oops, forgot to set my alarm!
*picks phone back up and surfs the web for 7.5 hrs*
[bedtime]
DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping.
ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.
DAUGHTER: …
ME: Night, sweetheart.
How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?
The hardest thing Vision has to do
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.