Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me
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I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
WANTED: Sanity
LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy
REWARD: 4 year old
Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world
Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
Pro tip:
If you bring her flowers to apologize, don’t bring them in a vase.
She might still be pissed. No sense in arming her.
you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair
Her: Penny for your thoughts?
Me: Oh. I was just wondering if pears ever became sentient, do you think they’d have body image issues?
Her:
Me:
Her: Can I have my money back please?!
So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.
14 y.o.: OMG MOM!!!! Are you okay?!?! Do you need some water? Are you having a heart attack? Why does your face look like that?
⠀
Me: I’m not having a heart attack, I just ran for five minutes.
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
Some people were born into their job.
I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
“Ah a delightful spring day. It reminds me of my youth spent in these hills with my parents and three older siblings. You’ll want to turn left up here but first let me tell you about the season we spent in the cabin by the creek…”
-the new GPS app from Allrecipes
Wife: I think my husband is spying on me.
Friend: You’re probably overreacting.
Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?
IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)
I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)
Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess
Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad
Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit