Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails
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[NASA March 1970]
Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?
NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!
[NASA April 1970]
[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]
*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*
11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?
Me: no more YouTube before bed.
St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven?
Me: Once a coworker said “supposably” 7 times in a meeting & I just let her
StP: Get in here
[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”
Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up
Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”
[looks into a mirror]
Well. That can’t be right.
maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know
I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
welp
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
Namaste
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
My kids: *arguing* MOM WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE KID
Me: Connor
Kids: The boy next door?
Me: Yep
Kids: We meant out of us
Me: Still Connor
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
I was just doing a show, and I thanked the audience for coming out during the Game Of Thrones premiere, and one guy went: “Oh no! Oh shit!”
You know it’s a BBQ type holiday weekend when there are a thousand people in the spice aisle at the grocery store just staring at the spices
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
Programming is chaotic magic. There are no rules. You ask a game dev “Can the player summon a giant demon that bursts from the ground in an explosion of lava?” and they’ll say “sure, that’s easy” and then you’ll ask “can the player wear a scarf?” and they’ll go “oof”
NEW YEAR’S LOGIC
1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
I just read someone’s TL who starred me, forgot who I was reading, starred & RT’d a gazillion RT’s on their TL, ended up in Mexico married.
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries