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The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.
My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
Cop: I pulled you over because your driving has been erratic
Me: oh, I think the guy in my trunk was trying to communicate with me via Morse code
Cop: what
Me: what
Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.
At the chemist and there is a man asking for a cream to get rid of his daughter’s nightmares, and the sales attendant is so resignedly repeating, “Sir, please, listen to what you’re saying”.
Listen google, it’s 2015. I need you to figure out who I’m talking about when I type “that one guy in that movie I didn’t like.”
kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again
“Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!” – Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.
In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.
Stooooppp!!! 😂😂
‘Brexit’ to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.
*deletes my ex’s phone number*
k, weigh me now.
They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.
Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?
Me: Let me ask my mom
Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!
Me: She said no
Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.
At the pediatrician’s office:
Me: I know every word to every song I have ever heard.
Receptionist: Great, but I asked for your son’s birthday.
Me: ……
*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*
Re: global warming and the cold weather
“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”
Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Google search history:
-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe
If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
Dispatcher: 911. What’s your emergency?
Me: Help! I’m being held hostage in a downtown office building!
D: By who?
Me: This really angry man! 1460 Maple Avenue. Please hurry! He’s making me DO THINGS!
D: OK. Please stay on the line.
Me: I can’t. My coffee break’s almost over!
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.
Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.