Octopus – 8 arms
“Yes”
Octagon – 8 sides
“Yes”
Octuplets – 8 babies
“Yes”
October – 8th month
“No”
I’m burning this world down
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Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.
Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.
Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
Gift-Wrapping Club for Men Rules:
1) There is no such thing as too much tape
2) Forget everything you know about right angles
3) Gaps can be filled in with a different kind of paper or sticky notes
4) It’s okay to swear at scissors
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
Gemma Correll
Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
Instead of telling people to drive safely, tell them you had a dream that they died in a car crash. Then to avoid looking crazy, say “I don’t believe in those things, so it’s probably nothing, don’t worry.”
They will drive… super carefully.
My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.
My wife during our sexy time does not.
This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now
The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
My review of Godzilla vs Kong is the same as for the last four flicks:
NEED LESS HUMAN TALKY TALKY
NEED MORE MONSTER PUNCHY PUNCHY
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
The last time my heart beat this fast I was at my boyfriend’s parent’s house and the toilet water was rising…
-My best pickup line
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.
Me: why don’t I have a gf
Him: have you tried asking someone
Me: no
Him: like her. Ask her.
Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf