Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
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A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.
Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.
6 said he isn’t sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money.
-No DNA test needed
My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.
“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit
My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched
Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”
Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?
I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.
yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up
Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.
Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….
The 50k lady’s grandfather left her money that he could’ve spent on himself, and she handed it to scammers. Folks, NEVER provide for your family
If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.
My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles
[job interview]
How did you lose your last job?
“I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future.”
Sir, this is McDonald’s.
make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years
I knocked over a plant in the kitchen but my cat saw me so I had to spray myself with water so I could show the law applies to everyone
REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic
Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…
It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out
what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”
My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”
Sister1: People can see your bra when you lean forward
Sister2: Yeah a beige one would be less noticeable than turquoise
Me: Well if they’re gonna get a peek it may as well be pretty
*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
I come from a long line of idiots. One of my ancestors was stabbed to death by his fellow Greeks for shouting ‘Brojan Horse amirite’ while waiting inside to ambush Troy.