Me:
Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy
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Very suspicious that this keeps happening
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
[Facebook]
Wife: Hubby is making breakfast for dinner![real life]
Me: *tosses Cheerios at the baby*
How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.
My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.
My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
Pack some crackers, we’re going on a cheeseabout.
There’s trash talk, then there’s this.
[quietly opens a beer]
Funeral Director: seriously?!
Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]
[Studying for his history test]
10: I wish I was born in the 1800s
Me: Why?
10: I’d have less history to learn
Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you have a flock of sheep that’s having trouble with foxes/dogs get an alpaca. The alpaca will happy join the flock as a ‘long sheep’ and will kick the shit out of anyone who messes with its gang.
Source: grew up on a farm.
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.
My 4yr old keeps handing me toy dinosaurs and asking what kind they are and I have no clue… so I’ve been making up names.
Oh buddy that’s a plethosaurus.
That one’s a legiosaurus.
That’s a longneckasaurus.
Oh yes and this is the elusive bigbuttosaurus.
What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday
Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.
What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.
Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
Ultracrepidarianism is the habit of giving opinions & advice on matters outside one’s knowledge or competence.
Or, as I call it, tweeting.
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.
BREAKING: Pot calls kettle “black”. “Racial tension at boiling point” says mayor of kitchen cupboard
*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!