Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.

He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos

My parents are pretty middle aged.
“So? That’s pretty norm-”
*two knights bust in*
“CHILD, DOST THOU REQUEST REFRESHMENTS FROM THE TAVERN?”

haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there

Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep

today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize

Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”

Me: “ok”

Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”

God spoketh unto Noah and The Lord sayeth “build an ark.” God spoketh once more and The Lord sayeth “Simon says build an ark” and it was so.

No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK

I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.

I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to

I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.

Alexa, put me to sleep

“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”

7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.

Shortcut

Day 1: This is a great chance to rediscover my love of cooking!

Day 5: *sink full of spoons, trash full of empty jars of peanut butter*

*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.

And we wonder why America is getting fat.

MATH

Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection

My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*

Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.

I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.

Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.

Me: The shirt I’m wearing feels heavier than usual

WebMD: *Blocked

If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.

Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.

I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids

My 3yo was giving me a checkup and put the stethoscope on my stomach. She asked if I could hear the heartbeat, and I just got up and left. Heartbeat in my stomach? Smh ain’t nobody got time for that.

4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”

A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.

Me: The whole “terrible two’s” thing is a myth.

Friend: That’s good to know.

Me: It’s actually much worse than that.