“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati
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i have a friend who hates certain hair styles and he told me he stopped watching john wick halfway through. he couldnt get past the middle part.
Duck Dynasty guy is right– if we baptize all those ISIS guys, Iraq will be safe because Christians never start wars for bullshit reasons.
No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
Snakes have both zero chill and tons of chill because I start freaking out when a piece of food takes a second to go down my esophagus and they feel that every time they eat and it’s not an almond it’s a mouse, oh snakes I wish you such peace
I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway
I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack
I triple waxed for this?
I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
Have your children help with daily chores if you want them to gain confidence and self efficacy also if want to accomplish nothing and go clinically insane.
[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”
don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face
Never forget.
Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.
I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
Nope, that’s a tampon. Another tampon. Tampon. Jesus, how many tampons do I have in here?!
-me trying to blindly grab the chapstick in my purse
You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting
*First day as a missing person*
Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.
Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot
Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people