I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.
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99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills
90% of parenting is crumb identification.
Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
her: you seem really upset, what’s up?
me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess
Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream
The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
[Baseball game]
ME: [giggle] I love how they named the positions in the game after the bases of sex
HIM: What? No, baseball came first
ME: ok I’m pretty sure sex came before baseball
I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.
Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.
Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.
[Shipwrecked diary]
Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.
Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.
date: what are you thinking about
me: fall should be spelled fa//
date:
me:
date: fell should be spelled fe_ _
*we kiss*
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.
“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”
-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
How software testing works
Sooo many times…..
The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.