Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”
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ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]
the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful
me: it can be
I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
The upside to wearing a mask at work is I can yawn in meetings and no one knows. The downside is I yawn so much I look like I’m crying
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.
100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world
Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
My 4 year-old now hides from me in the bathroom so l can’t stop him from chewing his nails.
This really upsets me because that was my hiding spot.
Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.
Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.
Okay hear me out.
I cooked up bacon in my cast iron, then made sausage patties in the bacon grease, and THEN made gravy out of the bacon AND sausage grease.
I’d marry me
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
Lol
I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”
Waiter: I see that your glass is empty, would you like another one?
Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
Me: *plucking hedge as my lord passes by*
Lord: oh manservant
Me: yes, my lord?
Lord: You trim this hedge with such care that when you’ve reached the end, the rest will again be quite overgrown. Thus, your toil ever continues?
Me: yes, my lord
Lord: *chuckling* delightful 🙂
Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.
My husband made me a drink & told me to sit down while he makes dinner & all I can say is, whatever he did wrong, I’m totally fine with it.
Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?
Paid. Gamer. Leave.
Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).