Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.
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Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”
Hubs: You can play outside for 5 more minutes as long as you don’t throw a tantrum when I tell you to come in.
6yo: I might not throw a tantrum. Or I might throw a little tantrum. I don’t know. We’ll see.
everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
[a person with cold hands]
DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE
[a dog with cold paws]
POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
one mistake some cult leaders make is predicting armageddon will happen on a specific day. embarrassing to explain afterwards. if i ever lead a group of devoted followers i’d keep shit like that pretty vague
I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
Checkmate, Flat Earthers
Me: Today I will be patient, kind, and tolerant of things that I can’t control
Also me: Screams at toothpaste for not coming out of the tube faster
Wife: Did you give the kids a bath?
Me: I got the dirt off.
Wife: What does that mean?
Me: *hides the leaf blower*
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.
Air pods looking like an angry frog
Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.
babe wake up, the chili discourse on Twitter has an update. someone made a deranged 30 tweet thread about carrots being in the chili despite there being no carro- babe no, babe stay awake, babe plea-
Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.
Me: Which cup do you want?
2-year-old: That one!
Me: Let’s pick a different one.
2-year-old: No!
*drinks milk from a shot glass*
[both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?
So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.