I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
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I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.
I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
me: i just saw a huge rat
starbucks employee: what
me: sorry i just saw a venti rat
employee: omg where
I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.
My dad brought me yellow gatorade because that’s the medicinal flavor. orange is for exercise. red is the best tasting but has no healing properties, it’s just a drink like an arizona iced tea.
Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let’s take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.
I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.
Timber, dipshit.
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid
My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about
paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on
I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet
doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
crochet youtube is brutal
Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.
These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.
Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
{phone call}
MRS. TURTLE: Hello?
MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours
MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close
MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.