[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup
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Everybody just wants to get off…
….This elevator because that guy stinks
Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
You strike me as one of those people who show up and debunk all the fun in the last 2 minutes of an otherwise scintillating UFO TV program.
Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.
Gym Bro: Dude, you gotta lift with your legs!
Me: I’ll eat this whole chicken any way I damn well please!
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.
Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.
LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child
*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance.
FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords
Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.
Me: *sends a pic of my bills*
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu
My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
55 burgers 55 fries 55 tacos 55 fries 55 cokes 100 tater tots 100 pizzas 100 tenders 100 meatballs 100 coffees 55 wings 55 shakes 55 pancakes 55 pastas 55 peppers and 155 taters