I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
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no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.
A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.
I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware
Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.
Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.
My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.
Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram
If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you
*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
4: mom, [6] said if I eat my broccoli he’ll give me a prize, will you give me a prize too?
me: well, being healthy and strong is a good prize
4: no
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
dude it’s called proctologist
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
For the baby who has everything
When you recharge your toothbrush AND change the head on it at the same time……then forget you did it.
It’s cool. I’m pretty sure gums grow back.
I asked my 5yo to play a game where we see who can be quiet the longest. After a couple of seconds he whispered “this is boring” and I guess the game is over.
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
[2.13am]
me: when cows die do they become cow ghosts? imagine being haunted by a cow ghost.
him: *deletes my number*