Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
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Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur
ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here
*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.
[airline check-in]
SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light
PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent
scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
broke: live-action auditions where you have to do shit like “memorize sides” and “look like an actual person”
woke: voiceover auditions where you get to do shit like “never have to leave your home” and “record in the nude”
Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.
There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
My sports team is better than your sports team!
“Is not!”
Is too!
“IS NOT!”
*pulls out giant foam finger*
Whoa man, be cool
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
All this “Kaine is boring” talk is your reminder that nowadays Abraham Lincoln would have to know parkour or some shit
Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
TRUE STORY
Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.
Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
Asteroid the size of two Newfoundland Dogs or five Goldendoodles or 12 Corgis or 27 Chihuahuas strikes earth off the coast of Iceland.
Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.
“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood
kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
Dawn’s coming over.
“Dawn from work, or crazy Dawn?”
*Dawn walks in* “WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady I’m framing for murder.
That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….
What Bob, you’re interrupting.
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.