Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
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Dog: Time to take me out
Me: Ok
[5 minutes later]
Me: [calling dog to the front door]
Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]
You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.
My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.
partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard
me: yep
partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire
me: that’s right
partygoer: where did you two meet
me: tall chair store
Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
person: can you keep a secret?
me: I’ll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life
person: oh thank god
laundry day is my favorite day of the week. that’s why I dress for it every day.
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
They must have gotten it to go.
Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.
And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
Batman Begins Twerking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
“I’m in the middle of an Adam Sandler movie” isn’t a good excuse to get out of anything.
I know this now.
Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
HAN: Chewie what the hell are you doing
CHEWBACCA: *wearing a three piece suit* rawwrhh aarrhhr rweoorrar
HAN: why do you need a business loan
Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”
7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”
Me: “Yes.”
[4 minutes later]
7yo: “What about pants?”
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend
Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.
Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.
Me: They’re vitamins!