Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?
Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.
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I wish Teachers were treated like pro athletes. Million dollar contracts and tenure bonuses.
Pro model erasers and chalk. Showered with Gatorade when the whole class passes.
Had a big fall out with wife and ended up sleeping in my office for a week. Boss saw I was still there when she left each night and there before her each morning and gave me a promotion. Wife and I sorted things out too, best fight ever.
Me too, bag. Me too….
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a physiologist.
Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!
how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”
A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes
[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]
mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain
me: what
mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
“Have you had a shower today?”
Yes, but thank you for clarification that it hasn’t made me look neat, fresh or washed
Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
[trying to ride a horse]
ME: oh shit how do i slow down?!
GUY OUTSIDE THE SUPERMARKET: this is for children
My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
ME: That’s a lovely aerial shot of the beach. Where did you get it?
WIFE: Google Earth
ME: Ok, you’re gonna have to narrow it down a bit for me, Sharon!
If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: OH NO
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.
High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others
DOG 911: what’s your emer-
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID “WALK” WHILE TALKING
DOG 911: so?
DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.