me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
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everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up
How to be a politician 101:
Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.
We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER
“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that
Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?
Me: Every night
Priest: What’s their favorite part?
Me: When Frodo destroys the ring
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
That’s Saturday nights plans ruined
Doing my civic duty by ensuring that my students know the difference between “lose” and “loose.”
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles
You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong
God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL
Giving up my job to start a new career as a Minecraft YouTuber purely in an attempt to grab my kid’s attention long enough to find out what snack she wants.
age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home
age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.
Friend: I set a new personal record last week
Me: Me too
Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time
Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.
I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.
McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.
If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.
Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.