Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.

Date: You heard me
Me: No I didn’t
Wet nurse: I didn’t either
Me: Could you read that back to me?
Stenographer: She said, “Not only is it weird that you have a wet nurse and stenographer, it’s even weirder that you’d bring them on our date.”

“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”

*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.

When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 😍

I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.

Wife: What’s with the bug spray?
Me: I can’t stand the little bloodsuckers.
Wife: You’re a vampire.
Me: I DON’T MAKE PEOPLE ITCHY, KAREN!

I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.

interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume

me: you opened it in Word didn’t you

Angel: how long should dogs live?
God: how about 12 years

Angel: horses?
God: 20

Angel: cats?
God: 15

Angel: sea turtles?
God: ONE HUNDRED FIFTY

Angel: oh no it’s happening again
God: haha, hey ask me about flies

Angel *rubs temples*: …fine
God: like 12 minutes lol

It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.

[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]

Me: ya know you can fly !

What I said: I do.

What she heard: I do… want to awaken to the sweet sound of your voice saying “My feet are cold”, as you mash your size 7 icicles against me, til death do us part.

*wakes up in the belly of a whale*
me: this can’t be happening again
morgan freeman: but it was, he was in the belly of a whale again

[Pet Store]
Clerk: Ma’am what can I help you with today?
Me: hi I’d like to buy this line
C: You mean snake?
M: Yes your largest worm please

When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…

Gave up watching The Punisher. First episode started strong with him immediately punishing a man, but forty minutes later he’d given no further punishments and I cut my losses.

That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.

Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.

The weather: *reads my credit card bill*

Me: Cute baby, when was she born?

New mother: Yesterday.

Me: *opens coat filled with knock-off watches* Hey kid, I got Rolexes, 50 bucks.

“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”

“By mistake?”

“Not you as well”.

“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”

Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.

Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”

Dragons: what does it do?

Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.

Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?

There are hundreds.

“Can we use a library meeting room?”
“What for?”
“Just a meeting.”
“Not a party?”
“No. Why would you ask that?”
“Well, the sheet cake and sleeve of red plastic solo cups does raise some questions.”

*pronounces UPS like yoops

MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch

MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying

I’ve heard the jokes and the laughter as people drove past my house in July, but who’s laughing NOW?

*plugs in Xmas lights*

I’m a carb girl, born and bread

the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister

What if I made a cactus delicious?

– pineapple inventor

One beautiful tradition in my mother’s culture is that if someone is sick,
the neighbours won’t hesitate to bring over food and help with errands,
but I can’t help but wonder when they will start getting suspicious over the fact that we’ve had the flu for 7 months now…