Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
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I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?
Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.
Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.
Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.
maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.
Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.
Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
*checks phone*
Jesus: WHO IN DAD’S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!”
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*
[in high school]
me: that’s the guy I like…
friend, speaking super loud: YOU MEAN BRIAN-
me:
I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter
I call it my Reese’s Thesis
Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs
My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away
No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.
I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?
Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.
A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller
They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.
“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.
Mugger: Give me your money
Me: Get ready to see some karate!
Mugger: Oh yeah?
Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:
*skydiving with my friend who’s always bragging about being a vegetarian. we pull our ripcords & his parachute deploys but a bunch of lettuce, tomatoes & diced cucumbers fly out of mine. i yell to him as i fall away*
HMM, VERY INTERESTING. SO, SALADS ACTUALLY CAN BE BAD FOR YOU
Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”