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A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
14: Mom, you’re like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?
Me: I had you when I was 24.
14: So we’re like 10 years apart.
I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
Cop: have you been drinking tonight?
Me: no sir
Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
When I play the kazoo, I play to win
There were kids who did cartwheels.
There were kids who didn’t do cartwheels.
There were kids who thought they were doing cartwheels.
[house hunting]
Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy
HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on
I had to pick up a maybe-sick kid from kindergarten today and he’s already made it very clear that he’s planning on “NOT getting better” in time for school tomorrow.
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
“Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.”
[wedding reception]
DAVE IS HAVIN A SEIZURE
Paramedic: How long has he been having convulsions?
IDK HE’S WHITE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DANCING
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.
what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.
My friend told me that he climbed Mt. Everest and I was like, “yeah, but have you ever tried getting out of a waterbed?”
Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.
There’s a tornado warning and we’re about to hop into our blow up pool. If you see us fly by, please don’t hesitate to say hello.
On behalf of everyone who works in an office, a coal mine, a fast food restaurant, really anywhere, I have decided to make it my mission to find out who coined the phrase “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” and trebuchet them directly into the sun
Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.
Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”