things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
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[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal
My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.
In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump… .
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming
Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.
Me: My dad must be rolling in his grave right now.
Friend: Why, do you think he’d be disappointed in you?
Me: No. I had him buried in a cement mixer. It was way cheaper than a casket.
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
hate playing make believe with little kids. u shoot them with a laser and theyre like “actually i went back in time so it doesnt count”. tf are u talking about. u just casually rip open a hole in the space-time continuum? thats irresponsible as shit pal
Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.
[grocery store robbery]
ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*
ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*
The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work
The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.
[making pigs in a blanket]
6-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.
Me: What should we call them?
6: Nobody you know in a blanket.
me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
2015:hey how’s it going so far?
2016:uh good
15:
16:
15:you’ve got an armed mili-
16:we’ve got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby
I turn 25 in two weeks
🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)
When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals
If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.