The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work
The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.
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Job interview:
– Good morning
– Good morning
– Have you got a twitter account?
– Yes
– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you
“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”
Found my door mat
My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.
Sadly, I got sausages.
I can’t think of a wurst problem!
#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker
Board Game
10: *reading card* Mama! Name 3 rappers! GO!
Me: Saran, aluminum foil, & cellophane! *beaming*
10: *laughing* OMG!
Me: What?
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.
With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
next question.
I cringe every time I think about that time I was enquiring about a stargazing event at an observatory and I accidentally asked if it was an all day event.
[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano
Apparently Zoom sleepovers are a thing and my 11yo is “going” to one tonight.
Now instead of one household taking one for the team and listening 6 preteen girls all night.
6 households have to listen to 6 preteen girls all night.
Thanks 2020!!!
I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
—What are we?
—Women!
—What do we want?
— We don’t know!
—When do we want it?
— Now!
I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.
My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life
Any gift I give you in 2024 will be wrapped in leftover Christmas wrapping paper.
New baby? Merry Christmas!
Getting married? Merry Christmas!
Birthday? Merry Christmas!
I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.
My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.
to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here
I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire