I hate when people ask me what I meant by something. Listen, I have no idea. I’m as confused here as you are.
We’re both learning what I’m about to say at the exact same time.
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People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ
*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*
You up?
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
I’m not saying she’s a tease, I’m just saying she’s like a weather forecast for a beautiful weekend on a Wednesday…
12: Can you help with my math homework?
Me (*looks at the problem*): I don’t remember how to do that
12: If you don’t remember how to do it, and you turned out well, why do I need to do it?
Me:
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running
going to the ER y’all need anything
My wife is hilarious
We’ve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email
She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to
Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
[on the phone]
ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis
ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis
‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)
So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
My wife asked me to bring her home a dozen Roses, and I really hope she appreciates the gesture, because it took 9 hours, 5 nursing homes, and 2 church bingo games to collect them all.
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.
ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad