Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.
I know this now.
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Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
Plant care tips
Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.
I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.
Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.
WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?
ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?
This guy on Animal Planet is looking for some kind of leopard and I’ve never wanted someone to be eaten by a leopard more than I do right now.
Me: He was choking. Seemed like he couldn’t breathe
Cop: Why didn’t you help him
Me: My dog was sleeping in my lap
Cop: Totally understand
Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.
accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times
Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.
me, to my wife: calm down and smile more
Stockbroker: *rubbing bridge of nose* that’s not what I meant by ‘take risks’
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.
Son: What’s for dinner
Me: Tater tots
Son: What else?
Me: Since your mom put an open bag in the freezer backwards so I couldn’t tell it was open and you didn’t sweep the floor like you were told. I’d say dog fur
My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.
Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?
Me: Be invisible.
Kid: To fight bad guys, right?
Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.
TRUTHFUL TUESDAY:
When my son was 7 he pissed me off so badly I pressed all the elevator buttons knowing every new rider would blame him.
God: you’re a capybara.
Capybara: yay!
God: you’re the largest rodent.
Capybara: double yay!
God: also you live in South America.
Capybara: so cool!
God: wow you’re in a great mood!
Capybara: just living my personal motto!
God: which is?
Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )
if I wasn’t supposed to grow up to want a sugar daddy why did we base an entire holiday around a much older man bringing me presents for being a good girl
[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*