Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
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I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.
Chopped: College Edition.
“In your mystery basket: Ramen Noodles, coffee, crippling debt, a worthless degree. Chefs, you have 30 minutes.”
The more we travel into the mountains the more little critters I see. A rabbit will run across the road, then a squirrel, then a crab. What?
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.
Oh, dearest paracetamol,
A mystery to me,
Why sometimes you cost £1.10,
But sometimes 20p.
*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.
[in hell]
me: *sad* why am I here?
satan: you’re a murderer
me: what? no I’m not
satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl
me: *blushing* aww
I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.
In light of all the stressful things around us right now, let’s take a moment to appreciate the cheapest luxury in the world. You don’t HAVE to get all dressed up to share a platter containing 12 pieces of toast with someone special…but don’t you think you should?
my personal injury lawyer: *confused look*
me: ANSWER ME, ARE YOU SEEING OTHER CLIENTS OR NOT
but whales can’t sink a sub
ORCAn they?
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
[at work]
Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom?
*standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards*
“No…why do you ask?”
We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.
I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.
“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
ME: *staring into my lover’s eyes in the midst of a warm embrace*
HER: What are you thinking?
ME: *caressing her cheek* I forgot your name.
Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks