Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
You Might Also Like
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know
Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”
pep talk
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.
[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
*puts nose where it doesn’t belong
*is caught with hand in cookie jar
*loses head
*makes elbow macaroni
*gets fired by funeral home
*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?
coach: what are you doing???
me: you said do 50 singles
coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos
me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!
5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.
I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.
My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.
Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger
me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.
7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –
me: shut up
No, I don’t want to say where I got these scratches. On an unrelated note, if you wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase, it’s 9.
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂
*gazing up at stars*
Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?
Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper
I have two kinds of followers
me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok
Fun like a LinkedIn notification
“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.
them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…
ME (teaching driver’s ed): quick, what did that sign we just passed say?
STUDENT: um
ME: this is important
STUDENT: *reluctantly* McDonald’s, one mile, exit 7A?
ME: good. stay in the right lane and ready your blinker
2019: the floor is lava
2020: literally don’t touch anything