I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog
You Might Also Like
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
There were things in the big “I got scammed” piece that I think I’d have fallen for and things I think I wouldn’t have, but if an ostensible law enforcement officer tells me I cannot get a lawyer I am getting a Triple Deluxe Lawyer
Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).
30 seconds left on the microwave
~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown
If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.
I really wish Facebook would stop suggesting that I make a FB story while showing me the most recent photo in my camera roll, it’s my freaking grocery shopping list
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something
[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.
“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.
Hello Twits.
my right thumb literally just snarled at my other nine fingers and said, “you have no idea how much more work i do than any of you spoiled brats”
Somebody’s lying.
Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?
Me: *slides tampons across counter*
Cashier: Nevermind…
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines but my right arm just told me it will be updating tonight between midnight and 2 a.m.
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…
It’s basically shitty Christmas.
Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
“Hi. My name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic_”
*embarrassed silence in the room*
“Wow. Tough crowd.”
Worst Bring Your Dad To School Day EVER
*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?
My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”
If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.
Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.
Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.