If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.
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what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?
Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band
the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅
*Buys something from Amazon
*Tracks package from Amazon
*Gets delivery from Amazon
Me)I wonder what this is
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…
“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”
Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.
dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor
*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?
*every day after camp*
Me: Did you learn any new games today?
7yo: Yeah, we learned a game called [slightly differently named game].
Me: Cool. How do you play?
7yo: *describes tag*
Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood
Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK
Dracula: vhoa
wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
The water main broke in my hotel which means no water until 3am. This is how the front desk employee broke the news: “You all have 2 flushes left. Make them count.”
[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]
“It’s negative”
Lemme see it
[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’
Wow that’s really negative
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
9: Why do some British people drop the t’s in their accents?
Me: Cause they have different accents from different parts of England.
9: No it’s cause they drank all the teas!
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute
What I say and what I mean are three different things.
A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time