You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
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An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.
When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”
I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”
Shut your racist asses up.
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.
I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .
An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.
Creepers gonna creep
Peepers gonna peep
Weepers gonna weep
Beepers gonna beep
Sleepers gonna sleep
Sheepers gonna sheep
Dolphins gonna eeeeeeeeeeeeeep
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-
Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*
I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
Re: global warming and the cold weather
“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”
*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*
A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”
After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??
Some time last year, I accidentally splashed pothole water onto a lady on a rainy day. When I stopped to apologise, the lady immediately ran away! I’m still wondering why
Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.
If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
*holds seashell to ear*
[ocean sounds]
[ocean sounds]
[“Remember to click ‘subscribe’ & to rate & leave a com-]
*throws shell into the sea*
People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!
My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.
[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible
the dog is mad at me bc i wouldn’t let him eat sriracha off the ground and my feelings are hurt so no i don’t want children.
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE
Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat