Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.
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Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”
Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.
I love wikipedia
Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?
doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an optometrist
M: oh like a glass half full thing
D: no like eyes
M: why do u have a glass half full of eyes
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
<At Duel>
“Draw your weapon”
Me: *frantically trying to sketch a bear with gun legs & a shark head.
Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.
Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?
1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato
I finally wore the shirt my boyfriend bought for me last Christmas and he asked if I was wearing a new shirt and that my friends is what relationships are all about
meeting mom’s new boyfriend for the first time and I’ll be looking for the first possible opportunity to scream “UR NOT MY REAL DAD” then slam a door
My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat’s house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 🙃 she’s back inside indefinitely
Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”
british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?
british guy: tea
british waiter: jolly good choice
[both laugh britishingly]
captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship
sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.
i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.
Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.
Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.
See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple