Why is it like a quirky thing that Biden likes ice cream. Call me when he starts eating a bowl of whole peppercorns
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Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.
God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
friend: you’re pregnant! do you know what you’re having?
wife: we think it’s-
me: snakes. we think it’s snakes
doctor: you have a brain disorder that causes you to give the most ridiculous responses to serious news
wife: [crying]
me: that’s a spicy meatball
When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that
If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.
If I had $5 (inflation) every single time an older woman started the “I’m his wife, we’ve been married x amount of years, you can talk to me” fight, I’d have enough money to buy this app and give it it’s old name back.
“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.
Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing
I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater
I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding
My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.
Barry?
Yes Joe
Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we’d eat at the Pizza Hut in France
No Joe
*Biden slams fist*
THIS IS BULLSHIT
wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
I know it’s been discussed before but the shift of the McAllister family from a Pepsi to Coca-Cola household in Home Alone 1 to 2 is truly jarring. A family with no brand loyalty is not to be trusted.