[Antarctic Courtroom]
Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”
Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”
Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”
Walrus: “No. I…”
*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice
You Might Also Like
She loves me
[forgets to run the dishwasher]
She loves me not
The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.
When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.
Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit
I like to put powdered sugar around my nose before Zoom meetings
People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.
DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?
ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.
DON: And the boy?
ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.
“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”
Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.
“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
dads on road-trips be like
Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.
Bank manager: Get out.
Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication
Me: Why am I not surprised
Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication
I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
Summer break is cool because I won’t be alone for the next 2000 hours of my life but at least I won’t have to pack anyone a lunch.
ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok[later]
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?
M: what’s this about, 007?
James Bond: he’s plotting revolution, ma’am
M: are you sure?
JB: he’s happy to confess, ask him
M: *turning to the suspect* what do you have to say for yourself?
pigeon: coo
M: my god man, you’re right!
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated
“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”