“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”
You Might Also Like
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.
New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.
me, holding a banana pretending to talk on the phone: haha it’s for you
daughter: no I have my own banana
me: haha I know but its like a phone
daughter: how
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand
My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.
I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
Jeff Bezos has dropped to 3rd place in the world’s richest person rankings after being replaced by an Indian billionaire. Please visit our bio for the link to Bezos’s GoFundMe page. ❤️
Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.
I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive
If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.
Friend: That was the exit. Did you see the sign?
Me: I saw the sign
F: …
Me: And it opened up my eyes
F: Oh no.
Me: I SAWW THE SIIIGNNN
Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne
Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand
Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away
The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.
*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
Darth: You should not have come back, old man.
Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.
We decided to have money instead of children.
my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”
In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here
‘You have a choice to not be rotten’ I patiently explain to my cat who promptly responds by vomiting on the couch
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.