[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand![]()
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I could never be in the mob.
The only gun I like is a glue gun. Is there a crafting mafia?
Maybe I’ll start one.
*blows glitter in your eye*
Never go against the family.
[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]
I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened
[grocery store]
MOM: omg where’s my kid??!
KIDNAPPER: [retired] cereal aisle
MOM: oh thank heavens
THERAPIST: what brings you in today?
ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.
THERAPIST: *starts to cry*
ME: I have to jet to the office real quick after breakfast, so—
FAMILY: We have a JET?!
ME: I meant—
FAMILY: Can we ride in the jet?
ME:
FAMILY: Is the jet invisible?
ME: Yes, that is definitely the case
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: So I was wondering…*slowly finishes her drink*…if you’d like to see my bedroom
ME: Oh no thank you, I don’t have any interest in home decor[4 days later]
ME *spits out coffee* DAMN IT
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!
jesus: ya dad?
god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no
Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.
Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.
Friend: I haven’t used it yet.
toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do
What if the Trump assassin’s real goal all along was to break up Tenacious D
My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂
Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.
Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.
My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.
93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.
the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers
Toddler: happy birthday daddy!
Me: aw thanks buddy!
Toddler: it’s my birthday too?
Me: no your birthday is in December.
Toddler: IT’S MY BIRTHDAY TOO!
Me: no-
Toddler: TELL ME HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Me: but-
Toddler: SAY IT!
Me: happy birthday?
Toddler: thanks daddy!
I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.
Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.
I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.