Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon

Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.

I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…

Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down

When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.

My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.

Wish me lick.

Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.

[fire]

EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.

We’re on the 12th floor…
*sigh*
I guess I’m dying in a fire.

I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.

When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.

If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules

[My funeral]

Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust

*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*

Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?

1900: Let’s filter coffee.

1950: We need to filter cigarettes.

1970: We should really filter water.

2015: I want to filter my face.

I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.

My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..

[post sex interview]

reporter: what went wrong out there

me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came

me: my night terrors are getting worse

therapist: anything you can change about your night-time routine?

[flashback to eating a wheel of mature cheddar in bed every night]

m: *shaking my head* nope, not a damn thing

My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.

“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013

When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.

“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”

Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G

“How many fingers do I have up?”

– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny

me: I stand corrected

chiropractor: you’re welcome

Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.

[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?

“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.

I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.

[Cop questioning suspected watermelon thief]
COP: *squints* Was it you?
GIRAFFE (who has watermelon-sized bulge halfway down his neck): Nope

Four Worst Feelings Ever:

4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic

An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.