I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.
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Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
if u wanna date me all u gotta do is ask and i’ll say no
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
If a coworker has two apples in his right hand and two oranges in his left hand, what does he have?
No chance of blocking an uppercut.
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”
You’ve been kidnapped. Your kidnappers allow you to keep tweeting to pretend everything is alright. What would you tweet that would alarm your followers without the kidnappers knowing you’re asking for help?
“And then I put in the exact amount of garlic the recipe called for.”
[playing chess]
FRIEND: [moves within striking distance of king] Jumanji
ME: no you say check haha
[sound of clattering hooves increases]
Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I’m pretty.
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”
“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.
[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
I only accept chocolate chip cookie bribes, THE SOFT ONES CHRISTY, NOT THE GARBAGE YOU GAVE ME.
Jail
My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!
ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?
If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
[birth of Jesus]
First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense
Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh
Third Wise Man: This is gold
First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit
*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*
Other people: I should put that back where it belongs
Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it