I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened
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Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?
Cop: I need another ticket book.
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
synchronized noseblowing
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.
The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.
Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?
Dad: Anywhere you like.
Me: (moves item)
Dad: Not THERE.
I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”
THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???
“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”
When I was little and I had a runny nose, I would cover it with a Band-Aid instead of blowing it. That should’ve been my parents’ first clue.
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.
Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.
Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?
WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.
I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape
People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
ASSISTANT: People are worried you won’t do all the things you promised.
TRUMP: I’ll just blame someone else.
ASSISTANT: Like who?
TRUMP:
Wife: I just heard something downstairs.
Me: It’s just the wind.
Wife: Go and see.
Me: You can’t see wind, Claire.
realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history
i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.