“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”
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Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?
Because he had no acetol
Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”
Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-
Vampire: wow
Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-
Vampire: WOW
I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
[watching TV]
GF: Tickle my back please
ME: Is that nice?
GF: Little bit higher
ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?
I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.
So that’s what we looked like?
My elderly uncle was proudly showing off his new “Screechers”, and my dudes, this is what I will call Skechers from now on
My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..
Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law
Boss: why are your eyes red?
Me: I got shampoo in them
Boss: we’ve talked about this
Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes
Boss: mhm
Me: but you can’t deny this volume
Boss: oh I am painfully jealous
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
genie: you have three wishes
me: nightvision goggles
genie: dope
me: the only pair on the planet
genie: many people will be affected
me: now kill the sun
genie: dude
Ghost: *walking out with suitcase* I can’t haunt you anymore.
Me: Why?
Ghost: YOU’RE BORING AF.
Me: *puts “exorcist” on résumé*
Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
Me: Go to bed
4-year-old: But I have questions!
Me: You’re stalling
4: I need to know!
Me: What?
4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
8yo: daddy what’s your best talent?
me: hmm I don’t know, maybe being a dad?
8yo: no that’s not it
Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.
“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]
WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?
Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.
FRED & DAPHNE: *pull the mask off old man jenkins*
JENKINS: gosh darnit if not for you meddling kids I would have survived the pandemic
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie