The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
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Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.
Them: What’s your writing process like?
Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.
My writing process:
gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket
Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
I’m on a 2 hour long call where one lady keeps cleaning her throat, and some guy keeps saying “meat in” instead of meeting, and I just want to catapult myself into the sun
have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now
I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.
Me: I’m hot.
Husband: *turns on AC*
Me: I’m cold.
H: *turns off AC*
Me: I’m hot.
H: *jumps out of car*
had a talk with my manager where i told him it’s hard to do my job when i’m left off of emails/meetings and he said “well when you’re left out just let me know” and then i stared at him until he went “but if you were left out, you wouldn’t know….”
it’s your first day back at work. your boss calls you in. “why aren’t you wearing pants?”
“threw em out” you shrug
you turn to leave but stop at the door. “wait,” you say. “but why aren’t you wearing pants”
“what?” he looks down, confused. “oh, right” he shrugs. “threw em out”
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat
Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.
Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents
me: please Bob. I’m sorry
Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up
SAURON: I shall create three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarf lords and nine for mortal men
HOBBITS: wow ok none for us cool
SAURON: and thus I shall have dominion over all the civilised races of middle earth
HOBBITS: WOW
My laptop: *cannot find printer*
Me: *gesturing* look it’s right there
I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.
Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.
TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces
me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]
why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?
They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there’s a leak and we’re in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.
Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?
god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast
angel: and so wild
god: only a lunatic would ride one
angel: are you—
god: —ima make a lunatic
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.
If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?
“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).
Penguin 1: [staring sadly out of plane window]
Penguin 2: [supportively puts a flipper on his shoulder] there’s no shame in arriving at the annual bird convention by plane, Colin